happy fucking mother's day

The empty feeling has left me with anger........yes , anger is a secondary emotion so it's probably still there. i have been holding it together for the most part but just have the most absolute annoyance for the girls' dad. but i am not going to waste my words on him this morning. it's mother's day. is it wrong for me to hate mother's day? ever since my mom died i realy fucking hate it. i was even a mom the first one after she died and i wanted to pretend the stupid fucking holiday didn't exist. i mean really, my kids never recognize it. it's not a day that i don't have to cook, clean, and play referee. the ex's never make sure they acknowledge it so really i would like my day to be silent and to do whatever i want. is that wrong? i am sure as a reader reading this i am in complete judgement right now. silence. i long for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! being a work at home mom really blows sometimes. the non-stop chatter is like some form of chinese water torcher. drip drip drip. constant drip drip drip. drip . drip drip. silence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wake up insanely early to have these moments of quiet. as the clock pushes 6:30 every morning i fill with dread because the sun will be up and will wake up the drip drip drip. once the sun is up and we have made it past breakfast i can usually dive into something that muffles the drip. the sun feels good now as the spring is breaking into full swing. i must admit it takes me a minute to get out there. i get stuck in this room i am currently in, in front of this laptop, sewing machine or movie...........stuck. go outside. there is a list a mile long i need to do out there. that's probably why it takes me most of the morning to just get out there. when i am out there i can almost lose myself not only into a muffled silence, but somewhere else completely. i even sometimes lose my identity with my hands in the dirt. sometimes i want to be full body in the dirt. i haven't wanted to eat it so i am not anemic ; ) my holes are filled in in the dirt. i don't feel the spaces................i feel home. it's raining today, right now. so i won't be able to feel home today on stupid fucking mother's day. i will be trapped inside with the drip drip drip that takes me for granted on every level possible (but that pretty much is the job description of being a mom isn't it?) there will be fights over who's movie gets to be watched or tears over a chewed up pet shop that i have reminded to be picked up a bajillion times (yes, a bajillion!!) i will still have to cook, still have to do the dishes. i will have to break up fights and argue that i am not a short order cook............ yes. that paragraph should have ended all loving and pretty ..."i love being a mom"..............sorry. i just don't. at least a stay at home mom. i have been at this "job" for ten years. i am over it. i hate making meals that everyone complains about. i hate picking up after three of the biggest piggies ever, i hate spending three hours in a car everyday just so everyone gets to school and activites. my mom kicked ass. she did all the above mentioned things and kicked ass while doing them. i do know she felt the same way. not hating being a mom, but hated so much else that happened in her life. i followed her path kinda. that will all come out in due time...........she kicked ass! best fucking mom ever. and i still ask the question......"why her and not some piece of shit white trash that beats their kids?" i have been called a mommy orphan.....in a not so polite or kind way. i was told being one fucked me up. it did.