friday the 13th

they are kinda my day.......my birthday is the 13th and i love it when it lands on friday....... today is a heavy one though. my marriage is finally on it's way to divorce. he has been leaving me for the last ten years.........i should be happy it's finally over. i should be...... it's how he sees our relationship. the last seven times we have tried it. yes we have a cycle. yes, i own where i get in that cycle and hold more shame over it than anyone can dish out.........i blame my catholic upbringing...nothing quite like catholic guilt.....but he screams at me that i broke him. i could go on for days the offenses against me.......not just normal bickering but full on offenses......like scamming unemployment and getting me in trouble with human services.........him leaving every single time i needed him. serioulsy, every single time.......but i broke him. if it wasn't for me fighting for a relationship with his girls he wouldn't have seen them since 2008. seriously. so many woulda coulda shoulda's over that one. i wouldn't have to deal with any of this if i just let him go then.......or the other couple dozen times he threw me away. crazy insane love i tell you. was madly in love with him. and each accusation he screams at me right now renders me stupid. i float around with these holes all over me.i literally can feel holes, empty spaces that are raw from exposure. i wish i could snap my fingers and be done. this feeling is killing me and i know there is no reason i should feel this way.

happy fucking mother's day

The empty feeling has left me with anger........yes , anger is a secondary emotion so it's probably still there. i have been holding it together for the most part but just have the most absolute annoyance for the girls' dad. but i am not going to waste my words on him this morning. it's mother's day. is it wrong for me to hate mother's day? ever since my mom died i realy fucking hate it. i was even a mom the first one after she died and i wanted to pretend the stupid fucking holiday didn't exist. i mean really, my kids never recognize it. it's not a day that i don't have to cook, clean, and play referee. the ex's never make sure they acknowledge it so really i would like my day to be silent and to do whatever i want. is that wrong? i am sure as a reader reading this i am in complete judgement right now. silence. i long for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! being a work at home mom really blows sometimes. the non-stop chatter is like some form of chinese water torcher. drip drip drip. constant drip drip drip. drip . drip drip. silence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wake up insanely early to have these moments of quiet. as the clock pushes 6:30 every morning i fill with dread because the sun will be up and will wake up the drip drip drip. once the sun is up and we have made it past breakfast i can usually dive into something that muffles the drip. the sun feels good now as the spring is breaking into full swing. i must admit it takes me a minute to get out there. i get stuck in this room i am currently in, in front of this laptop, sewing machine or movie...........stuck. go outside. there is a list a mile long i need to do out there. that's probably why it takes me most of the morning to just get out there. when i am out there i can almost lose myself not only into a muffled silence, but somewhere else completely. i even sometimes lose my identity with my hands in the dirt. sometimes i want to be full body in the dirt. i haven't wanted to eat it so i am not anemic ; ) my holes are filled in in the dirt. i don't feel the spaces................i feel home. it's raining today, right now. so i won't be able to feel home today on stupid fucking mother's day. i will be trapped inside with the drip drip drip that takes me for granted on every level possible (but that pretty much is the job description of being a mom isn't it?) there will be fights over who's movie gets to be watched or tears over a chewed up pet shop that i have reminded to be picked up a bajillion times (yes, a bajillion!!) i will still have to cook, still have to do the dishes. i will have to break up fights and argue that i am not a short order cook............ yes. that paragraph should have ended all loving and pretty ..."i love being a mom"..............sorry. i just don't. at least a stay at home mom. i have been at this "job" for ten years. i am over it. i hate making meals that everyone complains about. i hate picking up after three of the biggest piggies ever, i hate spending three hours in a car everyday just so everyone gets to school and activites. my mom kicked ass. she did all the above mentioned things and kicked ass while doing them. i do know she felt the same way. not hating being a mom, but hated so much else that happened in her life. i followed her path kinda. that will all come out in due time...........she kicked ass! best fucking mom ever. and i still ask the question......"why her and not some piece of shit white trash that beats their kids?" i have been called a mommy orphan.....in a not so polite or kind way. i was told being one fucked me up. it did.

empty

my heart hurts today. I am sad. I am lonely and full of oh so many regrets. part of my class A self destruction methods......i am holding my own. just sad. filled with shit tons of regret. tired of not having any money, a broken house, bills that keep coming. and i am alone. alone. alone. alone. i don't get out much since i have three kids. i get to yoga, but that only fills maybe a half hour of adult conversation. i have lived in the same house for 7 years. i never stayed in a place 7 months before this. everything needs fixed or has been fixed half assed by a dumb ass!!!! don't get me wrong. i am so very very grateful for what i have. i am just lonely. and with that brings all this other unhappiness. thoughts filled with woulda coulda shouldas. they are killer. i am just tired. tired of no money. tired of not being able to give my kids everything they want and need. tired. and heavy longing thoughts for love lost. i am filled with that ache. wondering when will i have done enough penance and can have happiness. i just want a warm body to hold me when all is bad. someone who can still love me at my very worst. i want someone's warm breath on the back of my neck, soft lips on my forehead and gentle fingers to brush my hair away from my eyes. i had that. but he went away. man, ..........i had that. sigh. i did a lot of hip openers yesterday in yoga. that might be where some of this is coming from. also trying to work with the girls' dad on a project and there is just not enough valium in the world to make me not feel like poking his eyeballs out! just honesty today. no pitty please. i always survive these waves of depression. just a heavy day. wishin it was going to be warmer so i could fly again on my rollerblades : ) song of the moment............Elizabeth sways by sean hayes. love it!

Flying on eight wheels

I have gone out of order this morning my coffee came second, other things came first........i had every intention of writing about my day yesterday. it was beautiful! I spontaneously dug my roller blades out and hit the bike path...........AMAZING. I love to rollerblade! the swish and sway of my skates. they never have to leave the pavement if you move just the right way......with the right kinda groove jammin in my ears, it is like flying! i LOVE it. my first intention was to go to the left. i know it. it's familiar, it's the "safe" side of the path. has more nature, would be more green. As hard as i tried i couldn't do it, i went right......into the city......the city i have grown to fear....for just cause, but that is what's so beautiful about what happened in that short hour. After i got past the over pass and a couple adjustments to my skates i was in the zone. just as when i do cardio at the gym, i look down. it is kind of my pace maker.......i meditate into my pace and stare down.....no distractions but then gently remind myself to look up.........once i am in that zone and can look up, it's still just me........no one who passes effects my bubble or my vision........i am in the zone.. after a couple times of reminding myself to look up i am finally there and wow. i started to skate into a storm and it was if the clouds parted for me to celebrate my flight after four years without. the city was green and full of expression and life. i was forgiving the city for my fears......then a deer crossed my path.......... i am getting a bit emotional typing this and didn't write about this in my book. this is from memory so I am sure it's choppy, unedited and not to it's fullest beauty!!!! it was amazing yesterday.......when i figure out more about blogging i will add pictures. Dayton became beautiful to me again yesterday. i didn't miss Chicago as much because of that. and that is saying something! after my flight i gathered with my yoga family and did some hot yoga to finish the day. i feel whole again. i haven't felt that way since two years prior to my shoulder reconstruction.........oh yeah forgot to say that......i had it in my posts I erased ; ) i had shoulder reconstruction last february and am just now getting to semi-full swing again which has been very very very trying for me!!!!!! lots of torn bicep muscles and sore elbows because I have yet to learn the art of control and patience. i like to push things to the max ........part of my addictive behavior that will be exposed in many many posts. i am an active person. the more i am doing the less i feel stressed. the more i release at the gym/yoga/bike path, the more room i have for other things in my life. if all people loved to work out as much as i did the world would never deal with obesity again. i am the crazy person that dances on the treadmill and you fear will fall off. i lose my balance sometimes, but have never actually fallen off in my 20 yrs of treadmill boogie ; ) i am able to refrain from hootin and hollerin unless i am in a spinning class and i just can't help myself there! that adrenaline peak is almost as equally incredible as an orgasm!!!! the site has changed since yesterday and now i can't find spell check. sorry if there are incorrect spellings : )

hello

I did it. I finally figured out what to title this and "who" to be. It will all come out in my writing. against the title, I am brutally honest in my writing. I can't tell lies with a pencil and paper in my hand.......i write all this down in a notebook and come back to type. right now it's a small hardback notebook with graph paper (against my grain, but it's totally working for me), my sword is a #2 pencil....black with pink eraser.

I write about stuff. I write in segments. I write in sporadic thought and that’s how I am going to give it to you. I swear like a sailor. The more I swear at you, the more I love you. I swear ; )

My sentence structure is non existent, and my punctuation is horrendous!!!!! But I do know how to use spell check ; ) so if that bothers you, I apologize, but I don’t really mean that........ I don’t care. Haha! It’s all part of my innate rebel that I have yet to figure out and even spent my graduate work researching……..i can’t follow recipes either. It’s telling me what to do and that makes me inept. I seriously can physically feel an opposing magnetic force in my chest when I am told what to do. *sigh* it makes life difficult sometimes.

I will catch up. Type all my notes so you kinda know where I am at right now and who I am. Just thought I would put this out there until I do. Make me accountable……