empty

my heart hurts today. I am sad. I am lonely and full of oh so many regrets. part of my class A self destruction methods......i am holding my own. just sad. filled with shit tons of regret. tired of not having any money, a broken house, bills that keep coming. and i am alone. alone. alone. alone. i don't get out much since i have three kids. i get to yoga, but that only fills maybe a half hour of adult conversation. i have lived in the same house for 7 years. i never stayed in a place 7 months before this. everything needs fixed or has been fixed half assed by a dumb ass!!!! don't get me wrong. i am so very very grateful for what i have. i am just lonely. and with that brings all this other unhappiness. thoughts filled with woulda coulda shouldas. they are killer. i am just tired. tired of no money. tired of not being able to give my kids everything they want and need. tired. and heavy longing thoughts for love lost. i am filled with that ache. wondering when will i have done enough penance and can have happiness. i just want a warm body to hold me when all is bad. someone who can still love me at my very worst. i want someone's warm breath on the back of my neck, soft lips on my forehead and gentle fingers to brush my hair away from my eyes. i had that. but he went away. man, ..........i had that. sigh. i did a lot of hip openers yesterday in yoga. that might be where some of this is coming from. also trying to work with the girls' dad on a project and there is just not enough valium in the world to make me not feel like poking his eyeballs out! just honesty today. no pitty please. i always survive these waves of depression. just a heavy day. wishin it was going to be warmer so i could fly again on my rollerblades : ) song of the moment............Elizabeth sways by sean hayes. love it!