friday the 13th

they are kinda my day.......my birthday is the 13th and i love it when it lands on friday....... today is a heavy one though. my marriage is finally on it's way to divorce. he has been leaving me for the last ten years.........i should be happy it's finally over. i should be...... it's how he sees our relationship. the last seven times we have tried it. yes we have a cycle. yes, i own where i get in that cycle and hold more shame over it than anyone can dish out.........i blame my catholic upbringing...nothing quite like catholic guilt.....but he screams at me that i broke him. i could go on for days the offenses against me.......not just normal bickering but full on offenses......like scamming unemployment and getting me in trouble with human services.........him leaving every single time i needed him. serioulsy, every single time.......but i broke him. if it wasn't for me fighting for a relationship with his girls he wouldn't have seen them since 2008. seriously. so many woulda coulda shoulda's over that one. i wouldn't have to deal with any of this if i just let him go then.......or the other couple dozen times he threw me away. crazy insane love i tell you. was madly in love with him. and each accusation he screams at me right now renders me stupid. i float around with these holes all over me.i literally can feel holes, empty spaces that are raw from exposure. i wish i could snap my fingers and be done. this feeling is killing me and i know there is no reason i should feel this way.